In Which Doctor Lafua Witnesses Barbarous Cruelty

His Reverence Doctor Samafundu Lafua, M.D. (Glasgow), LL.B. (Harvard), First Minister and Chief Justice of Makaleleland, Archbishop of the Congregational Church of Makaleleland, Physician Extraordinary to King Pungu, Liberator of Africa in General and Makaleleland in Particular, Direct Descendent of Jesus Christ, is Once Again Pleased to Condescend to Tell Your Very Humble Self a Tale of Africa. But Be Warned! This Story is one of Unbelievable Cruelty and Repugnant Behaviour by Most Disgraceful Recreants.

It is Well Known to All True Men of Reason and Science, and Proven by even Such a Humble European as Mister Charles Darwin, who Learnt So Much from Doctor Lafua that he has Now Made a Name for Himself, that the Great Apes are as Cousins to us. Indeed, when one Studies the Rude Physiogomy of the European Skull, one can Plainly See how Many of the Apes are Indeed Superior in Wit and Culture to that Sorry Race.

Mfalme Nguvu, a Great Ape, was Much Liked by the Pygmies of Makeleland because He Too was Albino, but of Enormous Size (unlike a Pygmy who is Quite Short, as even Your Humble Self, Perhaps Unversed in Science, May Know).

Mfalme Nguvu’s Home

But News of the Great White Ape had Reached the Ears of Felonious and Miscreant Europeans of whom the Notorious and Much Reviled Miss Baker, She of the Unflattering Trousers who has Caused Much Annoyance and Received Severe Chastisement, was the Most Felonious and Most Miscreant.

She, some Fellow Criminals and Assorted Dupes, Stooges and Fools Sought Unjustly to Kill Mfalme Nguvu and take his Skin and Make it into a Carpet or Mat as They Had Previously Done to Many Inoffensive Creatures for No Good Reason Beyond their own Vile Gratification.

Villainous Dupes

Of Course these Nefarious Types went In Terror and Trembling of Sounds of the Forest, and Blundered About in Panic and Terror, making a Great Noise and Fuss.

Terrified European

Mfalme Nguvu saw these Reprobate Rascals and Beat Upon his Mighty Chest that Sounded like a Drum and Called to Him his Gallant Pygmy Friends who Dashed to His Aid.

Mfalme Nguvu
Plucky Albino Pygmies of Makeleleland
Reprobates and Scoundrels
Enemies All Around

His Magnificence King Pungu Arrived as Shooting Began.

Great King Pungu and his Bodyguard
Illegally Held Firearms Unlawfully Used

This Shooting was Very Wild and Inaccurate, Doubtless Caused by the Uncontrollable Trembling of the Quivering Limbs of the Rapscallion Mercenaries. But the Arch-Villain and Recreant Criminal, E. Baker was already Firing with Cruel and Illegal Rifles at the Noble Mfalme Nguvu.

King Pungu Leads the Charge

King Pungu’s Brave Charge caused the Wretched Enemy Much Distress.

Confronting the Arch-Villain and Recreant Criminal, E. Baker

And elsewhere, the Nefarious Confederates of She of the Deeply Unflattering Trousers were Thrown into their Usual Panic.

Stressed and Gibbering

Although the Red-Haired Harpy had Been Driven Back by Bold King Pungu, other of Her Most Deplorable Followers Surrounded Mfalme Nguvu and Wounded Him by Shooting.

Animal Cruelty

Poor Mfalme Nguvu Drew Away Bleeding while his Tormentors tried to Find Courage in their Miserable Souls to Pursue.

Brave Pygmies Rush to Help

His Reverence Doctor Lafua Intervened and Served Injunctions and Writs Upon the Malefactors, and Warned them of Severe Penalties and Pointed Out a Breach of a Recent Probation Order. And with this many of the Foolish Lackeys of the Barbarous Europeans Lost Heart and became Reluctant.

Doctor Lafua Intervenes

And the Brave Pygmies Reinforced the Stern Admonishments of Doctor Lafua with a Hail of Poisoned Arrows, which Served to Enhance the Profound Discouragement of the Impudent and Brutish Louts who Begged Most Piteously for Mercy and Antidote.

Recreants Chastised

Alas! The Most Brutish and Most Recreant of the Foul Mercenaries in the Shameful Service of Illegally Entered Europeans Took Advantage of the Ceasfire and Killed Mfalme Nguvu to Death with Sharp Knives and then Fled in Terror of the Wrath of Lafua.

Murder Most Foul

Such is the True and Verified Account of Doctor Lafua Witnessing Barbarous Animal Cruelty in Africa. Doubtless Your Humble Self is Filled with Feelings of Sorrow and Anger at the Actions of Certain Disreputable, Murderous and Rascally Persons, as Recounted in this Very Sad Tale.

All Praise King Pungu and Give Thanks for the Wisdom and Beneficence of Doctor Lafua.


*It has come to Doctor Lafua’s Attention that Certain Scurrilous Individuals have Questioned the Veracity of his Very True and Well Verified Accounts and Falsely Suggested that Doctor Lafua has Not Indeed been Ever Victorious. To this Base Lie, Doctor Lafua Responds that it is Well Known by Learned Men that History is Written by the Winners, and so it is Self Evident that Doctor Lafua, who Has Written these Very True Histories, has Indeed Proven Ever Victorious. Quod Erat Demonstrandum (which is a Very Learned Way of Saying that a Point is Proven Beyond Dispute, as Your Humble Self may Know).

In Which Doctor Lafua Encounters Base Treachery and Ingratitude

His Reverence Doctor Samafundu Lafua, M.D. (Glasgow), LL.B. (Harvard), First Minister and Chief Justice of Makaleleland, Archbishop of the Congregational Church of Makaleleland, Physician Extraordinary to King Pungu, Liberator of Africa in General and Makaleleland in Particular, Direct Descendent of Jesus Christ, is Pleased to Condescend to Tell Your Very Humble Self a Cautionary Tale concerning the Very Low Morals of Europeans in General, and Those Infesting Africa in Particular.

This story takes place Beyond the Borders of Fair Makeleleland, as Can be Seen:

Behold the Scene

After Doctor Lafua’s Great Triumph on the Makelele River, a Dishevelled Wretch was discovered Wandering Lost and in Terrible Distress, Weeping and Wailing and Generally Causing a Disturbance of the Peace, and so was Lawfully and Properly Arrested by the Well Regulated Militia Constituted under the Wise Guidance and Oversight of Doctor Lafua by order of King Pungu Makelele.

Even Doctor Lafua was Surprised and Amazed to Discover that this Most Offensive Trespasser was None Other than the Self-Styled ‘Explorer and Adventurer’ (which as Your Humble Self will Surely Know is Mere European Euphemism for ‘Illegal Immigrant and Thief’) whose Disgracefully Unsuitable and Deeply Unflattering Trousers and Most Unpleasantly Repugnant Red Hair have gained her Warranted Notoriety and Richly Deserved Opprobrium.

Illegal Immigrant Lawfully Detained

With the Prisoner’s Guilt Plain to See, all the Albino Pygmies of Makeleleland Clamoured Joyously for the Ultimate Penalty to be Passed Down in Sentence. But Doctor Lafua, who As Your Very Humble Self Will Know, is Most Expert in Medicine as well as being Possessed of a Very Fine Legal Mind, Cautioned them that Such an Individual, so Full of Hateful Spite and Being of Very Low Morals and Poor Taste in Clothes, was likely to Cause Unpleasant Disruption to the Digestive Process and so the Administering of a Sound Thrashing and Sending Her Packing and in Disgrace would be Punishment Enough.

Your Humble Self will Surely Marvel at the Clemency and Mercy of the Kindly Doctor Lafua, whose Earnest Belief is that even the Vilest Wretch May Deserve the Mitigating Circumstances of their Low Birth and Sorry Want of Education to be Taken into Account.

So it was Arranged that the Prisoner should be Released on Probation, after the Aforesaid Sound Thrashing. Sordid and Unsavoury Accomplices of the Prisoner Gathered Near and His Magnificence King Pungu, acting on the Sound Advice of his Great Friend and Counsellor, Doctor Lafua, gathered many Fine Warriors in Case of Trouble.

King Pungu Prepares to Release the Prisoner
Criminal Accomplices of the Prisoner Lurk
Doctor Lafua Witnesses the Handover
More Criminal Accomplices
Pygmies On Guard

Great Pungu, seeing Assorted Low Types Gathered and in Possession of Illegal Firearms, Unlawfully Held (their Bearers being In No Way part of any Well Regulated Militia), consulted with Doctor Lafua.

Many pygmies, being by now Quite Peckish, Urged Doctor Lafua to Reverse his Judgement so that Justice and a Quick Snack might be Simultaneously Delivered. But Kindly Doctor Lafua regarded the Pitiful Wretch who was by now Blubbering and Snivelling in a Very Sorrowful Manner, and he Held Firm to his Previous Opinion.

King Pungu Consults

But now there was Great Confusion and Many Alarms as the Reprobate Associates of the Convicted Criminal Succumbed to the Base Impulses of their Felonious Natures. Scuffles Broke Out between Honest Pygmies and Rough Brigands, in which the Noble Warriors of Makelelaland, though Outnumbered and Outsized More than Held Their Own.

A Scuffle

One of the several Europeans, who Set Such a Low Moral Standard for their Silly and Easily Led Mercenary Associates entered a Particularly Interesting Area of the Forest, one Designated by Doctor Lafua as a Site of African Importance, and began to Despoil it by Picking Flowers and Disturbing Wildlife and other Offences under the Laws of Makeleleland, whose Writ Naturally Extends beyond the Borders of that Magnificent Country and Runs Across Africa

A Despoiler of the Forest

But such is the Weak Moral Fibre of Such Low Persons that they were soon Thrown into Panic and Terror and Sat Gibbering Beneath the Branches and Begging for Rescue.

Gibbering in Panic

And so, while this Kerfuffle and Fuss was Happening, the Vile Wretch was Handed Over On Probation.

The Prisoner Released

Immediately, this Ingrate Harpy Treacherously Ordered her Villainous Associates to Fire Upon those who had Magnanimously Forgone their Luncheon and Released Her.

A Treacherous Attack!

And so Doctor Lafua Himself went up and Admonished the Recreants Most Sternly and Sent them Away with Fleas in their Ears (to go with the Fleas Infesting the Rest of their Lousy Persons).

Begone, Foul Harpy!

So we come to the End of this Cautionary and Unedifying Tale which is the True and Verified Account of Doctor Lafua’s Latest Adventure, Upon Which All Honest Men Agree.

Doubtless Your Very Humble Self is now Overcome with Trembling at the Miscreant Doings of the Very Low Europeans in Africa and will Manfully Resolve not to Succumb to his Own Base Nature but Instead Aspire to the Example Set by the Wise and Good Doctor Lafua.

All Praise King Pungu and Give Thanks for the Wisdom and Beneficence of Doctor Lafua.


In Which Doctor Lafua Encounters Vile Interlopers

His Reverence Doctor Samafundu Lafua, M.D. (Glasgow), LL.B. (Harvard), First Minister and Chief Justice of Makaleleland, Archbishop of the Congregational Church of Makaleleland, Physician Extraordinary to King Pungu, Liberator of Africa in General and Makaleleland in Particular, Direct Descendent of Jesus Christ, is Pleased to Condescend to Tell Your Very Humble Self another Cautionary and Improving Tale of his Great Deeds in Africa.

Doctor Lafua, having Won a Mighty Victory, Rested Not Upon his Laurels, for Even an Ignorant European Such as Perhaps Your Very Humble Self must Surely Know that the Laurel is Not a Comfortable Cushion, being Rather Spiky.

Doctor Lafua Triumphant!

Soon after the Triumphant Return of Doctor Lafua, the Pygmy Drums Sounded. The Pygmy Drum is a Very Advanced Method of Communication that Puts to Great Shame the Morse Telegraph, which Europeans Fondly Imagine that they Devised*. The Drums told of a Very Primitive and Clankingly Noisy Vessel that Puffed and Tooted its way up the Mighty Makelele River, full of Armed Lackeys of the Self-Styled ‘Explorer’ of the Vile Red Hair and Unspeakably Unflattering Trousers whom Doctor Lafua had Foiled with Such Ease in their Last Encounter.

IMG_20171111_164232523 (1)
Flotsam Floats in the Mighty Makelele River

It Became Apparent to the Wise Doctor Lafua, who as Even Your Humble Self May Know has Sailed the Great Oceans and All the Seven Seas, that those Aboard the Clanking Vessel were Great Incompetents and Very Lubberly and, as he had Predicted, they Struck Upon the Dread Rapids of the Makelele and were Wrecked to their Shame and Ignominious Wetting. Those who Survived Struggled Ashore like Half-Drowned Rats on the Far Bank. But Doctor Lafua knew they had Greed and Malice in their Twisted Minds and would soon Seek to Recover their Lost Cargo and to Illegally Invade the Great Kingdom of Makeleleland.

Defending the River

So the Host of Makeleleland was Set to Defend the River and the Pygmies of Great Pungu Ran Forwards with Glee while Doctor Lafua himself along with his Devoted Disciples Followed More Sedately as Befitting a Great Statesman and his Entourage.

The Reprobate Lackeys of She of the Unspeakably Unflattering Trousers Plunged Foolishly into the Makelele River to Snatch Up some of their Lost Cargo but Soon Emerged Again with Worthless Trinkets and Gabbling in Terror of Lurking Crocodiles and Pygmy Arrows Fired from the Forest.

Shooting from the Forest

Already Your Very Humble Self will Understand the Tactical Genius of Doctor Lafua’s Dispositions and the Blundering Ineptitude of the Vile Interlopers who in their Foolish Desperation Exposed themselves to Arrows Shot by Carefully Concealed Pygmies.

The Rout of the Interlopers Begins!

A few of the Most Foolish Europeans Tried in their Temerity to Set Foot upon the Sacred Soil of Holy Makeleleland. Enraged by Such Sacrilege, Gallant Pygmies Sallied from the Forest, Slew the First as he Waded in the Shallows and Sent Packing his Miserable Companions, who Abandoned a Great Box Full of Most Useful Things that were Confiscated and Seized by the State on the Orders of Doctor Lafua Himself.

King Pungu, in His Wrath, Led his Bodyguard Charging Across the River to Chase Down the Wretched Africans Who Foolishly Follow She of the Vile Red Hair. The Wretches Fled and King Pungu Pursued with Great Speed and Vigour Far into the Trees.

Winning the Fight Most Gloriously

And the Pygmies in Their Glee also Went Into the River and Shot Arrows and Killed a Crocodile to Consume Later as an Appetizer, a Feat that the Europeans had Not Matched even with their Cruel and Illegal Rifles. Then they Shot More Arrows and Put the Enemy in Even Greater Extremities of Terror. The Enemy Closest Cried Out for Mercy and to be Saved from Crocodiles and Doctor Lafua in his Most Prestigious Role of Chief Justice of Makeleleland Issued Injunctions Against them and Served a Notice of Eviction.

Doctor Lafua Serves Due Process of Law!

And so this Most Thrilling Tale comes to its End. She of the Unspeakably Unflattering Trousers Stood Impotently on the Bank of the Makelele with her Knees Knocking in Terror while All the Host of Makeleland Celebrated a Great Victory and Looked Forward to their Victory Feast of Grilled Crocodile and Roasted European.

The Defeated Weep in Their Terror!

Such is the True and Verified Account of Doctor Lafua’s Great Triumph on the Makekele River. Doubtless Your Humble Self has been Amazed and Enthralled by this Most Illuminating Tale.

All Praise King Pungu and Give Thanks for the Wisdom and Beneficence of Doctor Lafua.


*Be it Known! Doctor Lafua Himself Instructed Samuel Morse in the Trivial Matter of Constructing the Register for Recording the Received Messages, Knowing that even the Most Basely Ignorant of Europeans Might Eventually Hope to Master such a Simple Device.

In Which Doctor Lafua Encounters Murderers and Fools

His Reverence Doctor Samafundu Lafua, M.D. (Glasgow), LL.B. (Harvard), First Minister and Chief Justice of Makaleleland, Archbishop of the Congregational Church of Makaleleland, Physician Extraordinary to King Pungu, Liberator of Africa in General and Makaleleland in Particular, Direct Descendent of Jesus Christ Condescends to Tell Your Very Humble Self a Cautionary Tale for your Edification.

Doctor Lafua Blesses His Loyal Disciples

Upon a Time in Africa Word came to His Reverence Doctor Samafundu Lafua that Parties of Armed Europeans were Descending upon the Sacred Grove of Mbe, which the Less Ignorant will Know is Defended by the Amazon Warriors of Mbe.


Here it is Doctor Lafua’s Sad Duty to Report that Accompanying the Pale and Sickly Europeans were certain Foolish Africans whose Base Ignorance had led them to Believe False Promises, and who had been Lured into Abject Servitude by Shiny Beads and Other Trinkets and Trappings of Most Slavish Bondage. Be it Known! Doctor Lafua has made Extensive Study of the Rude Physiognomy of the European Skull and Found it to Contain all the Key Features that Define those of Duplicitous Nature and Low Morals. Let All Africa Beware!


So it fell to Doctor Lafua in his Most Prestigious Office as Liberator of Africa in General and Makeleleland in Particular to Prevent the Rape of Mbe by Unscrupulous European Brigands and their Most Ignorant Lackeys. As a Man of Reason, although Faced by Overwhelming Numbers, he Trusted to the Superior Nature of his Mind and in the Poisoned Arrows of the Host of Makeleleland led in Person by His Magnificence, King Pungu.

The Greedy and Rapacious Europeans were of Two Parties, both Equally Repellent to the Eye Accustomed to the True Beauty of Africa. Some were Cruel Men of War Armed with All Manner of Illegal Firearms* and Led by a Fat Man who bore the Flag of Oppression. The other was Led by a Female in Unsuitable and Frankly Unflattering Legwear whose Corpse-Pale Face was Crowned by Accursed Red Hair that Indicated Malevolence of Character and Lack of Wit, as All Men of Science Know.


What Horrors Doctor Lafua Witnessed! What Vile Infamy and Terrible Slaughter was Unkindly Wrought by the Evil Hands of the Interlopers!

A Simple and Friendly Band of Pygmies Rushed Out to Welcome the Party of the Red-Haired Harpy, and to Beg them Politely to Observe the Laws and Customs of Makeleleland, yet the Foremost was Shot Down without Pity or Compunction and The Red-Haired Harpy Laughed in Her Malignity and Barbarity.

So Too were the Amazon Guardians Killed to Death by Guns. Too Fearful were the Lackeys of the Red-Haired Harpy to meet them Spear to Spear, so they Fired from Long Range Cowering and Quivering Behind Stout Trees. Then they Ran Forwards and Dug like Forest Pigs After Roots, Gabbling and Capering in their Greed. So the Blessed of Lafua Slew them, Righteously and According to the Law.


But now the Forces of the Fat Man Waddled to the Grove and Seized the Relic and Hooted and Danced in their Turn. And then they Fled the Wrath of Lafua as Fast as Pudgy Legs Might Carry them, which was Not Fast. And they Came Upon a Lone Pygmy in the Woods and Set About Him with Sharp Knives and their Great Guns. But the Pygmy Giggled and Killed the Fat Man and Took the Flag of Oppression and Fashioned From it Smart Underpants that are now the Envy of All in Makeleleland. So Perished the Fat Man and the Relic and a Fish Bone that he had Carried for Some Reason came into the Possession of the Wise and Good Doctor Lafua who Carried it to Safety.

Pygmy - Edited
Smart New Underpants

Before Doctor Lafua could Quit the Most Infamous Scene of European-Initiated Violence, a Blue-Coated Lackey of the Red-Haired Harpy Ran Up with Other Rough Fellows with him. This Low Churl Wept and Begged Doctor Lafua to Give to Him the Great Relic of Mbe, for Otherwise his Cruel Mistress would Surely Slay Him. And Doctor Lafua, who As All Know is as Merciful as he is Wise, Relented and Gave to the Foolish Servant of the Europeans the Holy Relic.


You Sit Amazed to Learn that Doctor Lafua, Liberator of Makeleleland in Particular and Africa in General, would Tamely Surrender the Great Relic of Mbe! It is True, the Object that was Dug Up was Handed Over, and the Fish Bone too. And the Blue-Coated Lackey was Pleased and Dried his Tears and Fled to Gain his Hoped for Reward. But Doctor Lafua had Tricked the Simpleton, handing to him a Cardboard Replica that Doctor Lafua had Crafted with his Mastery of the Oriental Art of Origami.

And so a Triumphant Return to Makeleleland, Saddened by the Loss of Brave Pygmies Slain by Cruel and Illegal Guns but with New Underpants and having Duped the Dupe of the Most Ignorant and Vile Europeans, and the Pygmies with a Fat Man to Feast Upon.

Such is the True and Verified Account of Doctor Lafua’s Great Adventure in Mbe. Doubtless Your Humble Self is Greatly Edified by this Most Wondrous Tale.

All Praise King Pungu and Give Thanks for the Wisdom and Beneficence of Doctor Lafua.


*The Law of Makeleleland is Quite Clear on the Issue of Firearms. Only those Blessed by the Wise and Good Doctor Lafua may Bear such Arms and then Only as Part of a Well Regulated Militia.

Welcome to Makeleland

His Reverence Doctor Samafundu Lafua, M.D. (Glasgow), LL.B. (Harvard), First Minister and Chief Justice of Makaleleland, Archbishop of the Congregational Church of Makaleleland, Physician Extraordinary to King Pungu, Liberator of Africa in General and Makaleleland in Particular, Direct Descendent of Jesus Christ Graciously Welcomes Your Very Humble Self and Generously Invites you to Gaze in Awe upon the Majestic Landscape of Makeleleland and to Meet its Foremost Inhabitants.

It is Doctor Lafua Himself!

Fear Not, Quaking European, for so long as you Obey the Wise and Most Just Laws of Makeleleland you will Come to Little Harm, unless by Carelessness or Happenstance you should be Devoured by a Crocodile, Trampled by a Hippopotamus or Eaten by a Famished Pygmy.

All Are Equal Beneath King Pungu’s Spear!

Behold the Resplendent Majesty of King Pungu, Ruler of Makeleleland, and Tremble lest the Spears of his Most Fearsome and Loyal Pygmy Guard are Sent in Anger against your Very Humble Self for some Trespass or Offence Caused by Base Ignorance or Malicious Design!

The Host of Makekeleland!

Behold the Might Host of King Pungu! The Albino Cannibal Pygmies of Makeleleland are Peaceful but Peckish Souls, and Most Partial to the Sweet Flesh of Europeans such as Your Very Humble Self.

The Disciples of Lafua

Behold the Disciples of His Reverence Doctor Lafua! These Worthy Souls have Devoted their Lives to the Service of Doctor Lafua and Stand Ever Ready to Chastise those who Bring into the Heart of Africa Malice and Discord. Fear their Wrath, for they are Tutored by Doctor Lafua Himself in All the Military Arts!

The Wives of Doctor Lafua

Behold the Beauty of the Wives of Doctor Lafua! But Calm your Fevered Lust and Avert your Gawking Eyes lest the Fury of Lafua be Visited Upon Your Very Humble Self, and you should find yourself Struck Down by Crashing Volleys from the Disciples, or by the Poisoned Bows of the Host of Makeleleland, or by the Fell Spears of King Pungu’s Bodyguard, or Roundly Chastised by the Sharp Tongues of the Wives of Lafua!

All Praise King Pungu and Give Thanks for the Wisdom and Beneficence of Doctor Lafua.


If your Very Humble but Possibly Impoverished Self is Possessed of the Means, and Has the Generosity of Spirit that Marks Out the True Lover of Africa, You may Make a Donation to the Privy Purse of Makeleleland. Such Moneys as May be Raised will go towards Improvements and Increased Resources, not only in Makeleleland but also in  Benighted Europe and The Far Americas (these last are Tales of Lesser Men but may be Found of Some Amusement nonetheless).

Presently, Doctor Lafua will be Graciously Pleased to Inform your Very Humble Self of the Feeble Attempts by Malicious and Unscrupulous Europeans to Loot Africa of a Great Treasure and even in Their Temerity to Attempt to Force Entry into Holy Makeleland Itself. Please Wait with Bated Breath and in Eager Anticipation.


The Mighty Makelele River, Border of Makeleleland