His Reverence Doctor Samafundu Lafua, M.D. (Glasgow), LL.B. (Harvard), First Minister and Chief Justice of Makaleleland, Archbishop of the Congregational Church of Makaleleland, Physician Extraordinary to King Pungu, Liberator of Africa in General and Makaleleland in Particular, Direct Descendent of Jesus Christ, is Once Again Pleased to Condescend to Tell Your Very Humble Self a Tale of Africa. But Be Warned! This Story is one of Unbelievable Cruelty and Repugnant Behaviour by Most Disgraceful Recreants.
It is Well Known to All True Men of Reason and Science, and Proven by even Such a Humble European as Mister Charles Darwin, who Learnt So Much from Doctor Lafua that he has Now Made a Name for Himself, that the Great Apes are as Cousins to us. Indeed, when one Studies the Rude Physiogomy of the European Skull, one can Plainly See how Many of the Apes are Indeed Superior in Wit and Culture to that Sorry Race.
Mfalme Nguvu, a Great Ape, was Much Liked by the Pygmies of Makeleland because He Too was Albino, but of Enormous Size (unlike a Pygmy who is Quite Short, as even Your Humble Self, Perhaps Unversed in Science, May Know).
But News of the Great White Ape had Reached the Ears of Felonious and Miscreant Europeans of whom the Notorious and Much Reviled Miss Baker, She of the Unflattering Trousers who has Caused Much Annoyance and Received Severe Chastisement, was the Most Felonious and Most Miscreant.
She, some Fellow Criminals and Assorted Dupes, Stooges and Fools Sought Unjustly to Kill Mfalme Nguvu and take his Skin and Make it into a Carpet or Mat as They Had Previously Done to Many Inoffensive Creatures for No Good Reason Beyond their own Vile Gratification.
Of Course these Nefarious Types went In Terror and Trembling of Sounds of the Forest, and Blundered About in Panic and Terror, making a Great Noise and Fuss.
Mfalme Nguvu saw these Reprobate Rascals and Beat Upon his Mighty Chest that Sounded like a Drum and Called to Him his Gallant Pygmy Friends who Dashed to His Aid.
His Magnificence King Pungu Arrived as Shooting Began.
This Shooting was Very Wild and Inaccurate, Doubtless Caused by the Uncontrollable Trembling of the Quivering Limbs of the Rapscallion Mercenaries. But the Arch-Villain and Recreant Criminal, E. Baker was already Firing with Cruel and Illegal Rifles at the Noble Mfalme Nguvu.
King Pungu’s Brave Charge caused the Wretched Enemy Much Distress.
And elsewhere, the Nefarious Confederates of She of the Deeply Unflattering Trousers were Thrown into their Usual Panic.
Although the Red-Haired Harpy had Been Driven Back by Bold King Pungu, other of Her Most Deplorable Followers Surrounded Mfalme Nguvu and Wounded Him by Shooting.
Poor Mfalme Nguvu Drew Away Bleeding while his Tormentors tried to Find Courage in their Miserable Souls to Pursue.
His Reverence Doctor Lafua Intervened and Served Injunctions and Writs Upon the Malefactors, and Warned them of Severe Penalties and Pointed Out a Breach of a Recent Probation Order. And with this many of the Foolish Lackeys of the Barbarous Europeans Lost Heart and became Reluctant.
And the Brave Pygmies Reinforced the Stern Admonishments of Doctor Lafua with a Hail of Poisoned Arrows, which Served to Enhance the Profound Discouragement of the Impudent and Brutish Louts who Begged Most Piteously for Mercy and Antidote.
Alas! The Most Brutish and Most Recreant of the Foul Mercenaries in the Shameful Service of Illegally Entered Europeans Took Advantage of the Ceasfire and Killed Mfalme Nguvu to Death with Sharp Knives and then Fled in Terror of the Wrath of Lafua.
Such is the True and Verified Account of Doctor Lafua Witnessing Barbarous Animal Cruelty in Africa. Doubtless Your Humble Self is Filled with Feelings of Sorrow and Anger at the Actions of Certain Disreputable, Murderous and Rascally Persons, as Recounted in this Very Sad Tale.
All Praise King Pungu and Give Thanks for the Wisdom and Beneficence of Doctor Lafua.